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(make sure you talk like a pirate when you read the pirate's line)




A pirate walks into a bar with the steering wheel from his ship attached to his crotch.

Bartender says "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

Priate says "Arrrrr...it's drivin me nuts!"
 

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says that if they could get others to stop doing drugs over the weekend that they would be found innocent.

That monday the judge said to the first one how many people did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain after doing drugs.

The Judge said ok, how about you he said while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500 people to stop. The Judge said How in God's name did you get so many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle and said that the little circle was your a**hole before jail.
 

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PEGLEG POWAH!!
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228 Posts
You're so dumb, you tripped over a cordless phone.
 

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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182 Posts
Perfect breasts (o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )

Perky breasts (*)(*)

Big nipple breasts (@)(@)

A cups oo

D cups { O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts (oYo)

Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts (o)(O)

Pierced Breasts (Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )

Android Breasts | o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
 

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PEGLEG POWAH!!
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228 Posts
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friend, is Globalization!
 

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eyeforaneyetoothforatooth
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980 Posts
I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked if she wanted to dance, and she replies, "No, thank you", so I say, don't thank me, thank God someone asked you.
 

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Midnight2001SE said:
I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked if she wanted to dance, and she replies, "No, thank you", so I say, don't thank me, thank God someone asked you.
One of my favorite actual lines to use if someone turns you down:

me: "Hey, wanna dance?"
club hoochie: *rolls eyes*
me: "Why are you being picky? I'm not!"
 

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Engi-nerd
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2,218 Posts
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said," That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 

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I was at the bar one night and I asked this girl her name.
"Sally", she replied.
"So what's your whole name?"
She says, "Püssy"
 

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eyeforaneyetoothforatooth
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980 Posts
Chrono said:
One of my favorite actual lines to use if someone turns you down:

me: "Hey, wanna dance?"
club hoochie: *rolls eyes*
me: "Why are you being picky? I'm not!"

How about this one....

Me: Hey, you wanna get some pizza and Fugg?
Her: NOOOOO!
Me: Whats wrong? Don't like pizza?
 

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Driving Illini said:
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. " The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
LMAO!!!! Hahahaha :D Kinda reminds me of my gf... All about work and no play.
 

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★★★★★
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Chrono said:
One of my favorite actual lines to use if someone turns you down:

me: "Hey, wanna dance?"
club hoochie: *rolls eyes*
me: "Why are you being picky? I'm not!"
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Artifical Intelligence
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141 Posts
some people are easily amused...

;)
 

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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182 Posts
A rich white man in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invite all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in his backyard. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts and chokeholds. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it." said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?"

"No thanks. I don't want it" answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafcuker that pushed me in the pool!"
 

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and begs him to come over and help her.
"I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "what is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "according to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment,
then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces
into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to
relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are
you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out
and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to
worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid
says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done
when! I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
 

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You guys better laugh at this one. I only whip it out on special occasions ;)

A guy rolls into the emergency room at a hospital. "Someone give me a doctor! I've just been raped by an elephant!"
So they throw him on a stretcher and wheel him into the room. The doctor inspects the damage, the man's butthole was ripped open more than a foot wide!
The doctor thinks "Wait a minute... An elephant's penis is long and slender, NOT this wide. An elephant surely did not do this..."
The guy says "Well, he fingered me first..."
 

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
 

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Bill Gate's Joke

***Bill Gate's Honeymoon

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

***Bill Gates with General Motor Chairman:

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
 
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